But it went one step further saying that self-deprecating humor, when done from a place of confidence and status, is the most attractive.
In other words, when you can poke fun at yourself, it’s incredibly attractive.
Sounds weird right?
Because confident, high-status individuals are assumed to be unapproachable.
Just think about any time you’ve seen a celebrity or professional athlete in public.
It doesn’t have to be a celebrity either. It could be someone in the bar who is perceived as successful or carries himself confidently.
But when they say something vulnerable, weird, or quirky about themselves, like “yeah – I totally wet the bed until I was 9…just kidding it was 12.” …it humanizes them and creates an attraction.
There is power in vulnerability that connects us to each other, especially to mates. It builds trust instantly… and if you “get quirky” first – it also shows leadership (point 7).
Self-deprecating comments when coming from a place of high status & confidence = attractive.
Now here’s the caveat…it’s attractive as long as the comment doesn’t come from a place of “woe is me”.
Self-deprecating remarks coming from low self-esteem = unattractive.
It’s seen as having a defeatist attitude.
Someone who is self-loathing may make comments like:
“Man I wish people would hang out with me more”
“I wish I had friends”
“People just don’t like hanging out with me, I don’t know why”
It creates an awkward tension in the room where the other person doesn’t know whether to console you or escape the situation altogether.
In fact, it may be signs of depression in which case professional help is needed.
But for the purpose of this article, a self-loather isn’t attractive.
That’s not to be confused with someone who had a really bad day and just needs to vent…which leads me to my next point.
3. Listen, Listen, Listen
Look guys – I know we like to offer up solutions to every problem on the planet (My fiance always gets on me about that)…
But sometimes she just needs you to shut up and listen to her vent about things like..
Why her co-workers suck
How bad her day was
Arguments with her parents or siblings
Just let her get it all out. Don’t try and “fix” the problem…at least in that moment.
Bonus tip: After you listen, offer to make her a relaxing bath and light a candle while you cook dinner.
I promise your attraction levels will skyrocket.
And FYI – a big part of listening is being present. Make eye contact, avoid distractions, and really hear what she is saying. (In other words – put the phone away!)
And if she wants your advice, she will ask.
4. Be Vulnerable
This ties very closely to the self-deprecating humor we talked about earlier, but I’m going to take it one step further.
While vulnerability through humor is great for building instant trust…
Vulnerability through emotions is better for showing that you care.
As men (and definitely for me), expressing emotion doesn’t come easily. It’s hard to put into words exactly what we’re feeling. But if you try to – it will go a long way.
It doesn’t have to be perfect – it’s really the effort that matters. Just let her in.
The worst thing that can happen is staying silent.
Because now you’ve crossed into the dangerous territory of being cold and insensitive. This is the zone that pushes her away.
So if you’re sad about something, express sadness (just don’t cry! Just kidding…real men cry).
The point is…if you make an effort to be vulnerable, she will love that.
5. Work/Life Balance
This is a big one for me (I feel like I need to work on about half of this list…maybe I’m writing a letter to myself)…
You have a dream? Want to start a business? Want that promotion? Great! Do it!
But not at the expense of your relationships.
As a new business owner I can personally attest to the fact that it is incredibly easy to put profession before partner, and profit over prioritizing quality time with them.
I mean heck, I’m trying to get a business off the ground. That means putting in the work to build an audience, provide value, drive sales, consistently publish content, and take my startup to the next level.
I am working so hard to build a relationship with readers that I forget about building the most important relationship at home.
Yes – she loves the passion I have for my business and knowing what I want out of life (point #1) but that doesn’t mean I can just drag her along my dream and leave our dream hanging out to dry.
In fact, what I’ve noticed is that the more effort I put into “our dream” the more support I will get for “my dream”
The bottom line is…no woman likes a workaholic if it means they can never see you.
6. Intelligence (But Not a Cocky Know-It-All)
Physical attraction definitely plays an immediate role, but intelligence lasts much longer.
Intelligence is what brings substance into the picture. It’s much more fulfilling than the initial beach body you brought to the table.
Smart women know that a good conversation is hard to come by…but when she has it, there is a spark of attraction.
But don’t confuse a good conversation with spouting facts like you’re the human version of Wikipedia. Nobody likes a know-it-all.
Combine a sense of humor with humble intelligence, and let her speak about what she knows… now you’re on board the “meaningful conversation” train.
And men, you may like where that train leads…
7. Be A Leader
At a primal level, women are attracted to leaders because it’s usually coupled with status…
…which makes for a trusting partner who can help provide.
But to further explain this, a clear distinction needs to be made.
Dominating and leading are NOT the same things.
A good leader knows when to listen, and when to act.
Someone who dominates will always think he’s right.
A good leader knows when to offer advice, and when to be quiet.
Someone who dominates will try to solve everyone’s problems…all the time (usually from an egocentric place).
They want to show off their intelligence to those who can’t do something.
To which the words “I told you so” or “How did you not know that?” usually follow.
In other words, a leader guides with “your success” in mind, and a dominator suffocates with “my success” in mind.
Leaders lead from a place of kindness, emotional intelligence, and humility.
Dominators control from a place of pride, ego, and narcissism.
The scary part?
The two can usually both occupy high-status roles.
One may have been appointed (which is usually the sign of a good leader) the other may have craved power and did whatever it took to achieve it.
So while status from a primal level is attractive…when true leadership is combined, its magnetism is alluring.
Bonus: Be A Man Of Style
I couldn’t leave this one out.
It’s a bonus because of course, I teach style, but physical appearance does play a role…
…especially when you’re not currently in a relationship.
It helps get the ball rolling.
Gents – your first impression game needs to be strong.
It’s the physical attraction that is the gateway to all the other points I laid out above.
Contrary to popular belief, us imperfect humans do make judgments.
The split second decisions about whether we want to engage in a conversation with a stranger are usually all based off of appearance.
So anyone who says appearance doesn’t matter is definitely right…but also wrong.
They are right because it shouldn’t matter, but wrong because it does.